หมั่นเขี้ยว!

A couple of years ago I completely changed my concept of love. I was heavy hearted after mourning the end of a long relationship that spanned most of my adult life. I chose to do what I could to become okay with being “out of love”. We’ve probably all had some kind of relationship in our lives that has left us feeling hurt. You can’t control your outside circumstances. I wish we could. What you can control is your own choices. It can be hard to love when you feel broken. If you don’t come to any relationship (romantic, friendship, family) whole, you end up (1) asking others to fill in the broken pieces or (2) shutting them out completely.

For a while it was a combination of aimless freedom and self-growth with a little bit of confusion. But I definitely felt that there was something missing.

 

Until I had that conversation with you. In a freaking van, on our way to somewhere where there is no electricity, no internet, telephone network. Like WTF? In a matter of minutes I suddenly open up more about myself than I ever have to anybody. Whatever you did to me was magic. And I felt free.

Honestly, I would have been fine if that day had never taken place. But honestly, I would kill me if that didn’t happen.

Beauty and brawn fade over time. Money gets spent or lost, but love…well, love is weird.

As the bond between two strengthened, the understanding and chemistry developed. When you are with someone who has your back, whatever the world throws at you can be handled. It is amazing how much power there is in a loving relationship.

Be mine.

(On an unrelated note, here’s something I know you like)

 

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free space

As we are approaching to last portion of 2017, do you feel strange that the whole year is about to past by…again…very fast? I feel like, individually, both of us have accomplished a lot of things. So kudos to us, I guess. I know that you have been busy lately. I’m sure there’s a lot on your mind. Whether it be home, work, or even personal stuff. I’m not trying to bother you but I just want to make sure that everything is alright. I understand that it’s not of any importance for me to worry about you. You seem fine on your own or at least I’ve felt that way about you. Sometimes I think I try to make sense of you too much that I’ve come across things that I shouldn’t have. And that greatly affected me. I take responsibilities for that. There was a lot of things that left unsaid. Maybe it was better that way. After all, we are half the world away. The bond between two people can only morph to so many shapes before one person abandons it all. And I blame no one for that. It feels different right now and I’m not sure that I enjoy it. I think I missed the old me – or you – or both of us. But that’s neither here or there. We can all agree on that we were not the same of the past year. It’s only natural. Lately I have been too caught up with work, settling in the new place, sports, and other social events that I feel like we are losing touch. But I’m sure you are busy with your days too. Despite all those things, I really like where I am now. Work is great. I’ve got to know a lot of cool people. My new living area is awesome. And there is so much to do in a week that I rarely have free time to just daydream of you like I used to. But that is a double edge sword isn’t it? My mind is preoccupied. Sometimes it feels like you would drift away from us the moment I got too busy. And that is really no one’s fault but my own. I knew of this, but I should have known better. I’m starting to see my own flaws. So thank you…I guess? I don’t know why I’m doing this right now on a Monday night. I should’ve already gone to bed or atlease getting ready for work tomorrow. But I’ll have you know – sometimes when I think of you I usually read my old blog posts that I wrote and I would give me the biggest smile. I think you made me stupid. Or I’m just stupid. But yeah, tonight is one of those nights where I opened up my old entries and just smile…I think I decided to wrote this because it was getting too quiet here. I know this blog was supposed to be about you but it’s hard to write when there’s wasn’t much that you want to share. So I realized this is just me writing for my future self to read. No wonder this blog is so dead haha. Anyways this post is pointless and I hope you don’t ever have to see this at all.

A Thankful Me

It has been a little over a year since I started this project. I think, on some level, I have achieved what I wanted to get out of this blog. I documented a little part of her life that I was lucky enough to be part of. Even if it is only a tiny fraction. I’m glad that she shared it with me. I treasured those moments. I really do.

Beyond the initial goal of this blog. I discovered a secondary premise that fuel everything beyond its basic sense. To put this into perspective, I don’t think anybody understands when I say that

I was lost
Without a purpose

Before, I felt like there was no reason to struggle in this chaotic, complicated, and meaningless life.

But then she gave me a reason, I think she saved me.

Something about her sparked something in me. I inspired to be greater than what I was. I finally realized my full potential and I will not fail to find the best version of me. I don’t think she knows that she encouraged me go an extra mile.

I thought she was a star.
And to capture that star, I need to be worthy enough for it.
Since that moment, I strive to grow, change, and be the best of me. For her.

And I did.
In a short time period, I have become someone who believes in a future that is not just about myself. In that future, there was someone – or something to look forward to.

Being part of her life (albeit insignificant) gave countless of positive effects. I began writing a plan. I come up with a career goal. I’m going to see every county in the world. I planned to be financially successful and live a healthy life and surround myself with people that I care. And trust me, I will succeed.

While the continuation of this blog is up in the air,  this blog has served its purpose. I was a lost boy, but now I am not.
I am a grown man with a plan. I will conquer and destroy whatever that is in my path. I owe all of this to her. I thank her for that.

It is a matter of time before I become the person I wanted to be. I will not fail. With or without her, it is going to happen. I wanted to tell her this:

You are my inspiration. You gave me a reason to try.  You were there when I needed you. And I wish to have you beside me along the path to my goals. I don’t need you here because I asked you to be here. But I would love to have you here because you wanted to stay here with me loyally and faithfully.

Otherwise, please walk away.

Thoughts

You are reading this now because you have time. You have made the decision that there is enough time to do something unimportant, and this is it. It is a gamble that you take and I don’t blame you. Time is probably the most precious resource because unlike everything else. You can’t take it back. You can’t take control of time. You only manage time.

For most, time manages you.

Daydreaming used to be a major part of my childhood. I believe it’s where I consolidate my imagination which keeps me busy mentally. It is a safe space to let my thoughts project into a projection of my own creativity. It was an on-going, continuous, and free-roam type of thing (which I won’t specifically get into haha). I have all the time in the world. I am actually never “busy”.

I’m finally become the person I did not hope to be.

It is what it is.

The busy life of working young adults finally shows its effect. Seven days a week for her. Five days a week for me. And surely, we spent the weekends catching up on sleep and utilizing that little bit of leftover minutes to pursuit our happiness. I often caught myself scrolling through cats’ images. Somehow, seeing them and their randomness keeps me sane. Going through an endless of Facebook “feeds” has slowly becoming a second nature. Following internet celebrities faking their lives away. This habit is no way healthy. I am guilty of that.

So here I am writing away my incohesive thoughts; lacking central idea because I haven’t personally got a hold of you for a while. While it is nobody’s fault, I really do hope it gradually improves because being this far from you feel a lot further when there isn’t an active and constant conversation between us. It just work out so perfectly that your day ends as soon as I get out of work. And the next day begins.

I thought to myself.
Simply, there isn’t enough time…
But I’m wrong

So far, yet so close.
That’s what it is?

Distance

ห่างกันกี่ timezone
นานเท่าไหร่แล้ว
ต่างมีหน้าที่
มีกันและกัน

เท

It was more than 20 days ago since the last blog entry.
It was mainly due to the fact that I’ve abandoned my little precious หมวย to focus my concentration on slaying the so called “dragon”, security plus certification by CompTIA.

Alas, it never affected her cuteness!

Throughout this intense period, she has been nothing but supportive, always has been. I don’t think anybody else would be able to stay this cute when accounting how often I have poured (เท) my baby. Every time when I feel like I’m tired and let down. Her presence that the fact that she will always be around me keeps me going, as I should.

ด้วยอีกนัยหนึ่งจะว่าไปแล้ว เราก็เทนางมานานแล้ว 555
ไม่รู้ว่าเค้าจำได้รึเปล่า เพราะนี่ก็ปีนึงพอดีที่เราได้รปกับบรรยากาศดีๆกับคนรป

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Yesteryear.
I don’t recall myself ever opening up to a person. I don’t recall myself exchanging my thoughts and ideas so freely. แต่ว่ารถตู้สายกทม-กาญ ทำให้เราเปลี่ยน she changed all that. Suddenly, I was not so alone anymore. Suddenly, I want to start something with someone. It was a weird feeling because before I get on that van I was not planning on taking care of anybody anytime soon. However, spending that little time with her instantly gets me thinking of days where I want to live happily with the comfort feelings of her presence. รูปของเราในวันพรุ่งนี้จากที่มีเราเพียงคนเดียว กลับมีเทออยู่ข้างๆ It was not me that fundamentally changed. It was the fact that I want you with me.

จากวันนั้น เราก็เหมือนกับว่ามีเป้าหมาย เราก็เทเทอมาตลอด แล้วก็จะเทต่อไปอีก 555 แต่ที่เทก็เพราะเรามองว่าเราต้องทำ (ทำอะไรสักอย่างแล้ว ~ เห้ยเดี๋ยวก่อนพี่ป้าง!) ขอบคุณนะที่คอยให้กำลังใจตลอด คอยอยู่ที่นี่เสมอเป็นแรงบรรดาลใจที่ทำให้เราทำอะไรบ้าบอ  ที่ทำแบบนี้ได้ก็เพราะหนูนั่นแหละ

As we grow and progress through our days separately together; undoubtedly there will be tough days but I with you here I promise we can endure anything.

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I wanna hold my แง่งขิง again ><