สมแล้วที่ซ้อมทุกเช้า pace 4 บ้าง 5 บ้าง ทำเราอาย
สมแล้วที่ซ้อมทุกเช้า pace 4 บ้าง 5 บ้าง ทำเราอาย
A couple of years ago I completely changed my concept of love. I was heavy hearted after mourning the end of a long relationship that spanned most of my adult life. I chose to do what I could to become okay with being “out of love”. We’ve probably all had some kind of relationship in our lives that has left us feeling hurt. You can’t control your outside circumstances. I wish we could. What you can control is your own choices. It can be hard to love when you feel broken. If you don’t come to any relationship (romantic, friendship, family) whole, you end up (1) asking others to fill in the broken pieces or (2) shutting them out completely.
For a while it was a combination of aimless freedom and self-growth with a little bit of confusion. But I definitely felt that there was something missing.
Until I had that conversation with you. In a freaking van, on our way to somewhere where there is no electricity, no internet, telephone network. Like WTF? In a matter of minutes I suddenly open up more about myself than I ever have to anybody. Whatever you did to me was magic. And I felt free.
Honestly, I would have been fine if that day had never taken place. But honestly, I would kill me if that didn’t happen.
Beauty and brawn fade over time. Money gets spent or lost, but love…well, love is weird.
As the bond between two strengthened, the understanding and chemistry developed. When you are with someone who has your back, whatever the world throws at you can be handled. It is amazing how much power there is in a loving relationship.
(On an unrelated note, here’s something I know you like)
As we are approaching to last portion of 2017, do you feel strange that the whole year is about to past by…again…very fast? I feel like, individually, both of us have accomplished a lot of things. So kudos to us, I guess. I know that you have been busy lately. I’m sure there’s a lot on your mind. Whether it be home, work, or even personal stuff. I’m not trying to bother you but I just want to make sure that everything is alright. I understand that it’s not of any importance for me to worry about you. You seem fine on your own or at least I’ve felt that way about you. Sometimes I think I try to make sense of you too much that I’ve come across things that I shouldn’t have. And that greatly affected me. I take responsibilities for that. There was a lot of things that left unsaid. Maybe it was better that way. After all, we are half the world away. The bond between two people can only morph to so many shapes before one person abandons it all. And I blame no one for that. It feels different right now and I’m not sure that I enjoy it. I think I missed the old me – or you – or both of us. But that’s neither here or there. We can all agree on that we were not the same of the past year. It’s only natural. Lately I have been too caught up with work, settling in the new place, sports, and other social events that I feel like we are losing touch. But I’m sure you are busy with your days too. Despite all those things, I really like where I am now. Work is great. I’ve got to know a lot of cool people. My new living area is awesome. And there is so much to do in a week that I rarely have free time to just daydream of you like I used to. But that is a double edge sword isn’t it? My mind is preoccupied. Sometimes it feels like you would drift away from us the moment I got too busy. And that is really no one’s fault but my own. I knew of this, but I should have known better. I’m starting to see my own flaws. So thank you…I guess? I don’t know why I’m doing this right now on a Monday night. I should’ve already gone to bed or atlease getting ready for work tomorrow. But I’ll have you know – sometimes when I think of you I usually read my old blog posts that I wrote and I would give me the biggest smile. I think you made me stupid. Or I’m just stupid. But yeah, tonight is one of those nights where I opened up my old entries and just smile…I think I decided to wrote this because it was getting too quiet here. I know this blog was supposed to be about you but it’s hard to write when there’s wasn’t much that you want to share. So I realized this is just me writing for my future self to read. No wonder this blog is so dead haha. Anyways this post is pointless and I hope you don’t ever have to see this at all.
It has been a little over a year since I started this project. I think, on some level, I have achieved what I wanted to get out of this blog. I documented a little part of her life that I was lucky enough to be part of. Even if it is only a tiny fraction. I’m glad that she shared it with me. I treasured those moments. I really do.
Beyond the initial goal of this blog. I discovered a secondary premise that fuel everything beyond its basic sense. To put this into perspective, I don’t think anybody understands when I say that
I was lost
Without a purpose
Before, I felt like there was no reason to struggle in this chaotic, complicated, and meaningless life.
But then she gave me a reason, I think she saved me.
Something about her sparked something in me. I inspired to be greater than what I was. I finally realized my full potential and I will not fail to find the best version of me. I don’t think she knows that she encouraged me go an extra mile.
I thought she was a star.
And to capture that star, I need to be worthy enough for it.
Since that moment, I strive to grow, change, and be the best of me. For her.
And I did.
In a short time period, I have become someone who believes in a future that is not just about myself. In that future, there was someone – or something to look forward to.
Being part of her life (albeit insignificant) gave countless of positive effects. I began writing a plan. I come up with a career goal. I’m going to see every county in the world. I planned to be financially successful and live a healthy life and surround myself with people that I care. And trust me, I will succeed.
While the continuation of this blog is up in the air, this blog has served its purpose. I was a lost boy, but now I am not.
I am a grown man with a plan. I will conquer and destroy whatever that is in my path. I owe all of this to her. I thank her for that.
It is a matter of time before I become the person I wanted to be. I will not fail. With or without her, it is going to happen. I wanted to tell her this:
You are my inspiration. You gave me a reason to try. You were there when I needed you. And I wish to have you beside me along the path to my goals. I don’t need you here because I asked you to be here. But I would love to have you here because you wanted to stay here with me loyally and faithfully.
Otherwise, please walk away.
Adventurous. Unafraid. Fearless.
She gravitates toward unfamiliar territories. Newfangled experiences.
For two years in a row, on the Mother’s Day weekend อิหมวย set out to see the world.
Last year was an eventful trip to the Land of the Raising Sun, Japan (check it out here).
This year she flew southbound to Indonesia. The hidden paradise.
Indonesia is a perfect mixture of Asia and Oceania. Its size, tropical climate, and archipelagic geography, support one of the world’s highest level of biodiversity. Like many, she traveled to sight one of the world’s best natural landmarks Asia has to offer.
Climbing great heights and dust
On the edge of the steamy water falls
The mountain view and sunrise
Indonesia is multicultural. With around 300 distinct native ethnic groups, and 742 different languages and dialects, it is a very ethnically and linguistically diverse country. Encountering local culture and ways of lives put perceived realities into perspective.
Traveling makes one modest.
You see what a tiny place you occupy in the universe.
As the journey ends, she added one more country to the ever growing of place she has visited. Japan, China, Indonesia, the list expands.
A much needed break. Refreshed and ready to go.
You are reading this now because you have time. You have made the decision that there is enough time to do something unimportant, and this is it. It is a gamble that you take and I don’t blame you. Time is probably the most precious resource because unlike everything else. You can’t take it back. You can’t take control of time. You only manage time.
For most, time manages you.
Daydreaming used to be a major part of my childhood. I believe it’s where I consolidate my imagination which keeps me busy mentally. It is a safe space to let my thoughts project into a projection of my own creativity. It was an on-going, continuous, and free-roam type of thing (which I won’t specifically get into haha). I have all the time in the world. I am actually never “busy”.
I’m finally become the person I did not hope to be.
It is what it is.
The busy life of working young adults finally shows its effect. Seven days a week for her. Five days a week for me. And surely, we spent the weekends catching up on sleep and utilizing that little bit of leftover minutes to pursuit our happiness. I often caught myself scrolling through cats’ images. Somehow, seeing them and their randomness keeps me sane. Going through an endless of Facebook “feeds” has slowly becoming a second nature. Following internet celebrities faking their lives away. This habit is no way healthy. I am guilty of that.
So here I am writing away my incohesive thoughts; lacking central idea because I haven’t personally got a hold of you for a while. While it is nobody’s fault, I really do hope it gradually improves because being this far from you feel a lot further when there isn’t an active and constant conversation between us. It just work out so perfectly that your day ends as soon as I get out of work. And the next day begins.
I thought to myself.
Simply, there isn’t enough time…
But I’m wrong
So far, yet so close.
That’s what it is?